Hungry

I'm so hungry.

So much easier to say no to food when you're running on empty than eat little bits. Little bits turn into binges which leads to purging.

I love watching shows about over eaters, I feel so thin compared to them.

My current distractions are watching George Carlin and talking to the boy I like.

Lets see how long I last without a binge.

I feel so out of control lately. I feel so fucking HUGE.

Last night I had a dream about eating cake icing, straight from the can, just thinking about it now makes me want to throw up. I was so out of control in my dream, I remember feeling like I was going to puke and I didn't care I just kept going. Like I had no control over what my body was doing, it was just stuffing itself with that disgusting shit.

Now I feel like I'm going to have to work out like crazy to work that off even though it was just a dream and there is no way I could possibly gain from it.

I still feel ill. The only good thing about this nausea is that I don't want to eat again period.

I was watching Spirited Away last night and all I could think about was how thin Chihiro was. I know how stupid I am, I always feel so fat when ever I watch anime. They're so small, so skinny, I want to be that thin.

See Yububa? That's what I feel like all the time. See how fucking tiny Chihiro's thighs and arms are? I want that. I want to be that thin. I have to be that thin.

First entry

This is my very first entry in my shiny new blog.

I normally use LJ, but for what I feel like sharing here, I don't think my f-list would be too pleased to be reading this. I'm emo and angsty enough as it is, adding my... current view on food would just be too much.

"Oh god, its another wannarexic."

Not quite darlings, not quite.

I've been struggling with this ... thing with food for quite some time now, I've just recently felt the urge to write it down, talk about it with someone, even if that someone is just my computer screen.

The urge came from the notion I had earlier today:
"When I stand my vision goes all fuzzy and dark. It's been a good day!"

That's not exactly something a person can share with anyone, you know?

That said what I've eaten so far today:
1 cup of Quaker Oatmeal: 150 cal

Now, that seems to be a lot, but I'm counting it as a victory considering that: one its the only thing I'll be eating, and two it's the first thing I've eaten since Christmas.

Suppose I'm off to find some decent exorcises to do while I'm snowed in.